Grief is Complicated

"Ask David" written by David Ensor is not intended to treat or diagnose. It is purely for entertainment purposes. With that in mind, I'd love to help answer any questions you may have; whether that's about relationships, conflict resolution, or just where the best fishing holes are in McHenry County.

Dear David:

I recently lost my father after almost two decades of being very sick. Of course, I’m sad that he’s gone, but since he’s been sick for so long, I haven’t really cried. There’s even a sense of relief that I feel guilty for feeling. Am I a rotten daughter?

Signed, a confused daughter

Dear Confused Daughter:

No, you are not a rotten daughter. Relief is a perfectly understandable reaction to a long illness. 

This is a list of the classic five stages of grief, but it is not an exhuastive list. The full scale of emotion is what you can and likely will experience while grieving. 

The Five Stages of Denial 

Numbness helps protect your mind from the full impact of the loss all at once. 

Anger is when your pain has nowhere else to go, and you may feel the need to attack yourself or others around you.

Bargaining may be you trying to make deals or simply thinking about “what if” scenarios to try and change what happened.

Depression is the deep sadness and quietness that takes over as you feel the weight of the loss.

Acceptance is when you start to understand the new reality and find a way to live with the change. 

These are the classic signs of grief, but the list is by no means complete. A person will go through all of these stages but not in that order, and they can be repeated. Since your father has been slowly succumbing to his illness, you’ve likely gone through all of these stages, potentially many times, and may do so again.

It was once described to me that grief is like standing on a shore. The waves and emotions come quickly at first, slowing over time. There is no timeline. You can go from laughing to crying in one minute. Grief can take months, days, years, or even a lifetime. It depends on so many factors. The essential thing is not to rush it. 

The only way I know best to process through grief is to not avoid the feelings and talk about all that's in your head, as much as you feel comfortable doing. 

Depending on the relationship you had with your father, there is no guarantee of how you will change, but losing connection to a parent, even an estranged one, will affect you. Short of causing harm to yourself or others, there is nothing you should expect yourself to do after losing a parent. 

The only antidote to losing someone is time, and even then, you may not entirely get beyond it, but the waves will soften. 

Final Thoughts 

It's important to understand that nothing you see online (including what I say here) should be mistaken for therapy services. Ultimately, therapy boils down to how much effort you’re willing to put into changing your problem. Therapy is good for getting out your emotions, but if you feel like you’re stuck on a hamster wheel, changes can be made, and a therapist can help you do that.

There are options available, and I implore you to research therapy offices near you to find the best therapy for you. As an LSW, I offer therapy services for adults, teens, and children at Blair Counseling and Mediation in Crystal Lake, Illinois. If you are looking for someone to listen to your concerns and help you find the right path, please visit the website and schedule a free 15-minute consultation.

If you have a question for David, please contact us as soon as possible. All questions are anonymous, so please don't worry about leaving your name. David will do his best to answer each question we receive.

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